While you’re at work, do you catch yourself wistfully daydreaming about creating art and culinary projects at home with your children? Do you wish it were you, instead of your nanny, hearing the pleasant sounds and breathing the sweet smells of home? The reality of spending all day, every day at home with kids may be slightly different than you imagine. Here are 99 things that your nanny faces that you might not mind missing for eight or nine hours a day. Read the list, and immediately start feeling better about your annoying coworkers and demanding boss.
The sounds Nanny hears
Your coworker’s pen is clicking away, and you long for the soothing sounds of home: baby’s soft cooing, infectious belly giggles and the pitter-patter of little feet. Those sounds, however, are only part of it. Nanny also hears these noises:
- Crying. There’s something about the sound of a baby’s cry that tears at the heart of caring human beings. Even the best nannies can’t calm every child every time, so experiencing this heartbreaking feeling is part of the job description.
- Whining. When children get older, they figure out how to put crying to words, and it becomes more grating than heartbreaking.
- The playground voice. Similar to a shout, the playground voice is usually used when an adult is on the phone.
- Squealing. The squeal occurs during play and has the same decibel level as a boat horn.
- Screaming. The scream is louder than a squeal and occurs when one sibling accidentally touches another.
- Fight sounds. With one sibling’s touch and another’s touch-back, a fight will break out that rivals the decibel level of a 767 at takeoff.
- The home intercom system. This handy intercom consists of one child standing in the far reaches of the basement using an amplified playground voice to call to Nanny on the second floor.
- Morning children’s TV. Every day of each week your nanny listens to the top ten most annoying children’s TV songs ever recorded.
- Trombone, violin, clarinet and drum practice. If there is a loud, screechy or out-of-tune instrument, nannies have heard it played badly.
- Whispering behind closed doors. When this happens, Nanny fears a mutiny is being plotted.
- Silence. The total absence of kids’ noises strikes more fear into the heart of a nanny than all the screams, squeals and playground voices combined.
- Belching. This noise occurs at the table.
- Flatulence, type A. Type A is the organic type, which comes from the rear end.
- Flatulence, type B. This noise is created by the mouth blowing raspberries against the hand or arm.
- Flatulence, type C. This type is caused by a whoopee cushion placed underneath Nanny’s favorite chair.
- Flatulence, type D. This versatile smartphone app contains a variety of styles and pitches of flatulence. Children can even play “Happy Birthday†in farts.
The odors to which Nanny is subjected
You probably imagine Nanny at your home with the smells of dinner warming in the oven. In reality, pungent odors frequently overpower the sweet ones.
- Flatulence smell. Type A flatulence creates the full-bodied experience of both sound and smell.
- Eau de diaper. The Diaper Genie is a wonderful tool for keeping diaper odors at bay, but there are still those horrific moments between diaper removal and diaper encasement in the Genie.
- Smelly Feet. Kids like to put shoes on quickly without bothering with socks, a perfect setup for toxic fumes.
- Body Odor. Between the sweet smells of childhood and proficiency with a stick of deodorant lies the odiferous, no-man’s land of the tweenage years.
Art and culinary creations that Nanny experiences
Do you think you would like to be there when your child whips up delicacies in the kitchen or masterpieces at the easel? Remember that creativity is messy. Here is a sampling of the messes you’re missing:
- Paint. This can take the form of finger paint, tempera or house paint you accidentally left on a low shelf.
- Crayons. Walls are the drawing surfaces of choice.
- Play-dough. Children prefer to make Play-dough projects on light-colored plush carpet.
- Lipstick fun. In this art project, Nanny’s lipstick is the medium. It goes on the lips, in big circles on the cheeks and, just for fun, on the bathroom mirror.
- In-home forts. There is a reason you never knew your living room was transformed into a fort the moment you left. Nanny put all 24 sheets and blankets back onto the beds and into the closets before you arrived home.
- Mud pies. Mud pies have a 1-2-3 measuring formula. One bowlful of mud goes into the pie, two go onto your child, and three go onto Nanny.
- Bubblegum in hair. Taking bubblegum out of hair requires the patience and fine dexterity of a neurosurgeon.
- Blenders. Kids operate blenders on “liquefy†with the lid removed.
- Water. Your two-year-old may be “helping†Nanny clean up a culinary project right now, using the faucet sprayer to hose down cabinets, the inside of the pantry and the ceiling fan.
The discriminating tastes to which Nanny caters
- Finicky foodies. Today, will it be nothing but mac ‘n’ cheese, peanut butter or red foods? It’s hard to keep up with the taste du jour.
- Baby-food flinging. When babies and toddlers don’t like a new variety, they give it to Nanny—on her hair, face and new top.
- Spit-up. This is baby’s way of telling Nanny he’s full.
- Clothing. Whether it’s scratchy sweaters, seamed socks or wouldn’t-be-caught-dead-in-that pants, there’s always something about clothing to bring out the whining.
The communication that Nanny receives
During a tense business meeting, you may long for the easy communication between parent and child. Here is a reality check on the communication that may be occurring:
- Meltdowns. Many children have a daily meltdown quota, and then they’re done for the day. With any luck, your children will have reached their quota before you arrive home.
- NO! Your nanny will hear 7,346,978 renditions of the word NO before your toddler learns the word YES.
- Mine! Nanny will never hear the word “yours” because it is not spoken until age 21.
- I’m bored. The statement itself isn’t so much of a problem as what it leads to: boredom-relieving mischief.
- I’m hungry. This phrase is always communicated after lunch is over and the kitchen has been made spotless.
- Why? Your nanny’s conversation with your child is probably going like this:
Nanny: I’m making eggs.
Child: Why?
Nanny: Would you like scrambled or boiled?
Child: Why?
- Repetition. Alternately, your nanny’s conversation may be following this pattern:
Nanny: I’m making eggs.
Child: I’m making eggs.
Nanny: Would you like scrambled or boiled?
Child: Would you like scrambled or boiled?
- Mimicry. Mimicry is similar to repetition except that all sentences are repeated in “that tone” with a saucy, hands-on-the-hips motion.
- Backtalk. With backtalk, “that tone” lowers by two octaves and rises by 50 decibels.
- Bicultural backtalk. If Nanny speaks English as a second language, the backtalk may take the form of Americanisms she doesn’t understand.
- Text talk. Some older kids don’t talk; they text.
Nanny: How was your day?
Teen: N2MJCHBU
Nanny: Where are you going?
Teen: G2G2 *$ BRB TLK2UL8R 
The ways Nanny is interrupted
Are you irritated when a phone call breaks your concentration at work? Here are the interruptions Nanny faces:
- Interrupted reading. You know your nanny is not reading a novel, but she’d probably love to get through the cooking directions to the microwaveable chicken nuggets without an interruption.
- Sibling Interruptus. Sibling Interruptus occurs when Nanny is working with one sibling on homework, and another sibling gets jealous.
- Interrupted phone calls. Phone calls are the cue for children to use their playground voices.
- Interrupted potty breaks. Nanny’s potty breaks are punctuated by loud knocking and fingers reaching under the door.
The peace that Nanny must keep
Keeping the peace often rivals nuclear disarmament negotiations, with background noises that sound like exploding Molotov cocktails.
- The Even-Steven Game. Children have a keen sense of equality. Nannies develop surgical precision in cutting pies and cakes so that one piece is not one millimeter larger than the other.
- “But Emma’s nanny lets her” Children like to play the Even-Steven Game with the neighbors as well.
- Sibling rivalry. This is the Even-Steven Game with a little fighting on the side.
- Play dates. Play dates are sibling rivalry to the ninth power.
The entertainment in which Nanny participates
- Nerf gun wars. Imagine being caught in the crossfire of Nerf suction-cups all day long.
- Repetitive videos. For reasons that still mystify scientists, children can watch a video 786 times without getting tired of it.
- Clothes-rack hide and seek. In this game, played at the mall, a small child hides in a rack behind dresses, fuzzy coats or other items. Nanny can only find the child by getting down on hands and knees, head close to the ground to peer under the racks.
- Fast-food playgrounds. Indoor playgrounds are sized for people well under five feet tall. Nonetheless, when children get frightened at the top and can’t get down, nannies become contortionists and make their way up there.
- Summertime trips to the zoo. Zoos are wonderful educational experiences, but their comfort level can be suboptimal. It’s hot, and then there are piles of excrement to dodge in the petting zoo. If you live in the southern U.S., summertime trips to the zoo are the number one reason you don’t envy the nanny.
- “I have to go potty.” IHTGP is listed under “entertainment” because it always occurs during an activity that is impossible to leave, such as riding a double Ferris wheel.
- Punch buggy. This car game packs a lot of chaos into its two simple rules. When one sibling sees a Volkswagen Beetle, he or she yells, “Punch buggy!” and slugs the other in the arm. Classic Beetles are good for two punches. Some children shout an ineffective, “No punch-backs!” seconds before the back-seat war erupts.
- “Are we there yet?” All outings begin with this question, repeated constantly from the backseat when the occupants are not playing punch buggy.
- Emergency preparedness. All trips must be planned with the thoroughness of a major military operation.
The all-weather backup plans that Nanny employs
No inclement weather will keep Nanny from fulfilling her duties. Snow, rain, wind gusts and blistering sun just make it a lot harder.
- Snow days. Before the children go out to play, Nanny piles on two layers of clothes, socks, gloves, long underwear, snow pants, scarves, hats, ear muffs, boots and a jacket. In fifteen minutes, the children are wet, cold and tromping through the back door. Off go the layers to be dried in front of the fire. Fifteen minutes later, they’re ready to go out again.
- Rainy days. On rainy days, nannies must patrol the door before children come inside with muddy shoes.
- Windy days. A vital permission slip always blows away just as your child gets off the bus. Nanny races down the street to catch it.
- Sunny days. Children run like greased pigs at the sight of a sunscreen bottle.
The teaching Nanny does
You’d love to be there in person lovingly teaching your child, but some of the teaching can be dull, messy or fodder for another meltdown.
- Potty training at home. When you come home, and everything looks lovely, remember that Nanny has cleaned up a half-dozen accidents.
- Potty training away from home. Potty training on excursions requires six clothing changes.
- Homework. Nannies may not have liked homework much themselves when they were students, but they patiently help your children with theirs.
- Math homework. Math deserves a category of its own. To calculate the frustration level, multiply the number of years it has been since Nanny has taken math by the number of possible methods to solve a math problem.
- Perfectionist homework. The kindergarten teacher gives a little fun project for homework, which brings out all the perfectionist tendencies in the student. If a single “I” is not dotted perfectly, the student has a meltdown, wads up the entire sheet and starts over.
- Science projects. Nannies must be experts in all subjects, including the scientific method.
- Science experiments. Here the object is to avoid the scientific method. When Nanny turns her back, the child-scientist mixes random liquids and powders. If the concoction smokes and emits a noxious odor, the experiment was a success.
- Long-term projects due tomorrow. At this moment, Nanny may be racing frantically through the house, rounding up poster board, art supplies and reference books.
- Time-outs. Time-outs teach discipline but require Nanny to stand guard over the naughty chair.
- Taekwondo practice. Taekwondo involves lots of kicking, typically practiced on unsuspecting siblings.
- Transportation to lessons. The rest of the kids must be entertained until the child receiving the lesson is finished.
- Personal hygiene. Toddler baths are the most challenging, and the adult giving the bath usually ends up wetter than the toddler in the bath.
The home that Nanny must not let get destroyed
You may be missing your home while you’re at work and jealous that your nanny is sitting there right now drinking a cup of coffee. But think of the things you’re missing.
- Cleaning up messes. If you’re at work, you’re probably not cleaning up anyone’s spilled applesauce. Nanny is.
- Red dye. There is one type of stain that carpet cleaners can’t remove: red dye. This is why all kids insist upon red Kool Aid.
- The trash. The trash is what Nanny is digging through looking for the keys the toddler lost.
- Lockouts, type A. This is the whole-house lockout, usually occurring in three steps: 1. Nanny goes to get the paper. 2. The front door locks behind her. 3. The thunderstorm begins.
- Lockouts, type B. This is the room lockout. It usually occurs when a child pushes the lock button and then leaves the room. The flat little pick that unlocks doors is always missing.
- Overflowing toilets. Kids use too much toilet paper, and sometimes plunging is required.
The germs that Nanny catches
Germ exposure is an occupational hazard of being a Nanny, but they put compassion ahead of fears of catching something.
- Vomit. Laws of physics dictate that vomit will always land on the carpet or on the nanny, but never in the toilet or wastebasket.
- Runny noses. Runny noses don’t stay on children’s faces for long. They’re transferred to the child’s hands and then smeared onto the nearest soft cloth, preferably Nanny’s skirt.
- Assisted nose-blowing. Nanny holds the tissue under your child’s nose, saying, “Blow.”
- Coughing attacks. Kids only know one way to direct a coughing attack: into an adult’s face.
- Doctor visits. If you work 9-5, you get to miss the tuberculosis ward in the doctor’s waiting room.
The injuries that Nanny treats
Nannies treat boo-boos, and Nannies get boo-boos, all in the line of duty.
- Potty-training injuries. If you think going potty is a risk-free endeavor, you’ve never rescued a toddler hanging by fingers and toes, with his rear end in the adult toilet.
- Flying leaps. Like a slice of toast and jam always lands face down, any child taking a flying leap will always land face down with a bloody nose.
- Legos underfoot. When Legos are stepped on, one of two things happens. Either the Lego breaks, and the child cries or the Lego puts its imprint in Nanny’s foot, and Nanny cries.
- Beads underfoot. A short rope of toy or Mardi Gras beads acts like a pair of roller skates when stepped on by an unsuspecting adult.
The pets that Nanny keeps happy
Nannies become nannies because they love children, but pets often come with the territory. Animal fiascos can complicate Nanny’s day.
- Puppy accidents. Toddlers aren’t the only ones who sometimes have an accident.
- The kitty litter box. New nannies don’t know where they’re kept, and some find out the hard way.
- Rubber snakes. These count as live animals if the nanny finds them.
- Escaped live snakes. One nanny found a missing snake in a tight coil when she lifted the decorative cover over the Kleenex box.
- Barking. Nanny has just put the baby down for a nap when the dog decides that naptime is over.
- Tussles over a baby blanket. Toddlers aren’t the only ones who understand the concept of “mine.”
- Shoes. Nanny probably liked the pair the dog chewed to shreds.
