99 Secrets Families Try But Fail to Keep from the Nanny


Every family has its secrets. You want to keep certain things private, but is that possible when you have a nanny? Children are notorious for spilling secrets, and the nanny is around them too long for anything they know to be kept in check. You can be sure that your nanny knows more about your family than you wish she did. Here are a few examples of the types of secrets your nanny might be privy to.

Family history

Your ancestors, in some ways, define who you are now. But some things you find out about your predecessors are better off forgotten. Here are a few things you wish no one ever knew.

  1. Your parents were hippies.
  2. Your grandmother was a stripper.
  3. You’ve come from a long line of circus folk.
  4. You don’t know who your father was.
  5. You have no idea how many siblings you have.
  6. Your children’s aunt is two years younger than they are.
  7. Your great-grandfather invented urinal cakes.
  8. Your grandfather’s name was Sue.
  9. Your grandmother was an illegal alien.
  10.  Your great-great-grandfather was a bank robber.
  11. Your great-uncle was shot in the rear during World War II.

Embarrassing relatives

You can’t pick your family. You were born into a collection of relatives; some better than others. Here are a few family members you wouldn’t mind forgetting about.

  1. Your crazy Uncle John comes over drunk every Friday.
  2. You can’t call your Dad during a football game.
  3. Your mother still shops for you.
  4. Your Uncle Bob is now your Aunt Roberta.
  5. Your parents still dress like it is 1975.
  6. Your brother drives a VW van. Handpainted. From the sixties.
  7. Your mother listens to Van Halen. At full volume.
  8. Your sister wears mini-skirts. She’s the principal of an elementary school.
  9. Your little brother still lives in your parent’s basement.
  10. You have twin cousins named Apple and Orange
  11. Your Aunt thinks you moved to Alaska.

Health issues

Some things should remain private, and your health problems are one of them. No one needs to know what your bodies’ issues are, but somehow word gets out. Here are some things you wish the kids never heard you talk about.

  1. You need to eat more fiber.
  2. You have several ointments.
  3. You get breathless walking down the stairs.
  4. You’ve fallen and couldn’t get up.
  5. Your knees sound like popcorn when you stand.
  6. You threw out your back lifting the newspaper.
  7. You have a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
  8. Your running shoes are clean and your slippers are dirty.
  9. You get gas from dairy.
  10. Fried foods make you break out.
  11. You got to bed at 8pm.

Conflict

Relationships are difficult. Conflict is sure to pop up. Here are a few arguments the nanny shouldn’t know about but does anyway.

  1. You slept on the couch last night.
  2. It’s not your turn to do the dishes.
  3. All the money was NOT spent on shoes.
  4. 3 AM is a perfectly reasonable time to get home.
  5. Working late is a valid excuse.
  6. Your legs are not broken.
  7. Football is not God. Even if it does come on Sundays.
  8. It is cold in the dog house.
  9. Fried eggs, pancakes, and Eggos are not dinner food.
  10. Cake is not breakfast food. Not even with milk.
  11. You think shopping is a form of therapy.

Language

Kids are quick to pick up on things you wish they wouldn’t. Whenever you make a mistake, you can be sure they’re listening. Here are a few things they choose to hear.

  1. @#$% is a bad word.
  2. Pouting/crying gets you what you want.
  3. Going to hell does not require the car keys.
  4. Hitting the road does not require a hammer.
  5. Finding yourself doesn’t mean you’re lost.
  6. Barney is extinct.
  7. A healthy meal means only one fried thing.

Bad habits

No one is perfect, but bad habits can be embarrassing. Worse yet are publicly known bad habits. Try to avoid some of these pitfalls.

  1. You don’t brush your teeth every night.
  2. You fall asleep in front of the TV. More than once.
  3. You never make your bed.
  4. When you clean up everything goes in the closet or under the bed.
  5. Dusting is a four letter word.
  6. You pick your nose.
  7. You sing in the shower.
  8. You sing in the car. With the windows down.
  9. When it is your turn to drop off the kids they are late to school.
  10. Ice cream solves all problems.
  11. You wore the same shirt yesterday.
  12. Cookies and candy are a food group.
  13. You listen to Justin Bieber. Voluntarily.
  14. You have more pictures on Facebook than in your photo album.
  15. You Tweet while driving.

Relationships

Relationships are complex. Sometimes they’re a little too complex for your own good. Here are some relationships that are better left uncovered.

  1. You have a lot of opposite sex friends at work.
  2. You have so many Dads that you forget their names.
  3. You don’t talk to your brother.
  4. You only talk to your grandfather so you’re kept in the will.
  5. You and your spouse sleep in separate rooms.
  6. You like one child more than the other.
  7. You prefer boys.
  8. You prefer girls.
  9. You have an extensive collection of sexy lingerie.
  10. You hide Playboys under the bed.
  11. You secretly watch Jersey Shore.

Eccentricities

Oddball. Strange. Weird. Whatever your word is for it, we all have things we do that aren’t quite normal. If you have anything to hide, you know it will eventually come out. Things like:

  1. You go commando.
  2. You collect stuffed animals.
  3. You have more shoes than your wife.
  4. You have more ties than your husband.
  5. You’re missing a toe.
  6. You have webbed feet.
  7. You’re a chubby chaser.
  8. You still watch Spongebob Squarepants, even without your kids.
  9. You hunt anything that moves.
  10. You have more guns than shirts.
  11. You have a bomb shelter ready for the apocalypse.

Money

What’s that saying about money and evil? Oh, yeah, it IS evil. Or at least, it feels that way sometimes. Here are some money choices you’d rather forget making.

  1. You spend more on shoes than food.
  2. You have more cars than drivers.
  3. You shop for gifts at the dollar store.
  4. You bought a freezer so you could shop at Sam’s Club.
  5. You have a lifetime supply of toilet paper.
  6. You have money in Switzerland that your spouse doesn’t know about.
  7. You’re planning a trip to Mexico. Alone.
  8. You have a secret emergency fund in your sock drawer.
  9. You pay the minimum on your credit cards.
  10. You’re still paying back student loans.
  11. You have more invested in comic books than in the stock market.

No matter what kinds of secrets you have, with kids around you should know that they’ll be uncovered. If you are the type to play things close to the chest, you might be better off showing your hand now- before someone calls you on it. After all, there are no secrets when children are involved.

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